


Part 1: Erik

by Usefullrein



Category: Black Panther (2018)
Genre: Erik is a piece of shit, Had to do it in all caps because it’s important, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of drugs, Other, THIS IS BASED OFF THE BRIDGE EPISODE FROM EUPHORIA, but he still deserves love, mentions of massive death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:20:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usefullrein/pseuds/Usefullrein
Summary: Erik and W’Kabi go to a diner on Christmas Eve
Relationships: Erik Killmonger/T'Challa, Erik and W’Kabi
Kudos: 6





	Part 1: Erik

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy y’all so this is going to be a very sensitive and story. I feel like in this fandom we often forget that real issues still exist because Wakanda is suppose to be this magical place where all your problems go away and what not but that’s not the case sometimes. I think that in this fandom I would love to see you all write about real shit that happens and here is me writing what I want to see. If you didn’t see the trigger warning in the tags: mentions of drugs, mentions of massive death, mentions of suicide.  
> Erik is rue in this situation, to me , Erik would make a great rue. If you think that Erik makes a better Jules, that’s great I’d love to read your story about that but this is just how I feel. If you or someone you know struggles with addiction and other mental illness please reach out to a friend or loved one or a therapist.❤️ 
> 
> Now, without further a due, enjoy’

“We lived in an apartment in Harlem...” Erik started, “...He was in some art school and I just stayed home and waited for him to get back.” 

W’Kabi nodded, “How come you didn’t have a job?” 

Erik sighed, “Because it’s a fucking dream, I don’t know.”

W’Kabi nodded and continued eating his pancakes, while Erik stared out the window and tried to remember other details of the dream he had. It was the night before Christmas and instead of being home with his mother he was here at a diner eating pancakes with a friend he had met in rehab. 

“What else?”

Erik thought for a moment, “He enjoyed sleeping with his shirt off and I’d always wake him up every morning with kisses...” he paused and pushed a loc of his hair out of his face. 

“Then I helped him get dressed for his presentation that he had and like we kissed again before he left.” 

W’Kabi nodded as he ate and listened to Erik talk about this dream he had that included some boy named T’Challa.

“Then...after he left, I went into the bathroom and did a line…” Erik said casually but W’Kabi could tell that casualness about all this was just a front for him and any other person foolish enough to believe him.

“Y’Know I still blame T’Challa for all this shit... ” Erik said as he was fidgeted with the napkin on the table. 

W’Kabi looked up at Erik with only his eyes, “Why do you blame him?”

Erik shrugs and is quiet for a moment, “I was clean…” Erik starts, “and like...I was gonna stay clean…” and Him and T’Challa were going to move to an apartment in Harlem. “...And for the most part I was fucking happy and then fucking T’Challa—“

“Wait,” W’Kabi interrupted, “You were going to stay clean?” 

“Yeah.”

“With pills?”

“I wasn’t gonna like…” Erik shrugs, “take them or anything.” 

“But you were saving them?”

“Yeah I-“

“And you were gonna stay clean?”

“Well I-“

“And the relapse is T’Challa’s fault?”

Erik doesn’t even bother responding at the second, he just tightens his lips and looks down. Then he decides to speak. 

“Well...you don’t know what he did to me.”

W’Kabi nods, “You’re right, I don’t.”

“He cheated on me with some other nigga…when I was sober, he goes and fucks some other nigga..” The memories come flooding in and Erik can feel his nose start to sting. 

W’Kabi puts his fork down on his plate and relaxes in his seat, “I didn’t know that...you guys were in a relationship?”

“Yeah we liked kissed and stuff…”

W’Kabi nodded, “I thought you guys were just friends..”

Erik shook his head, “No.”

“Huh...when did that happen?”

“After this party we went to, I went to his house and we kissed a bunch.”

W’Kabi nodded. He didn’t really understand because Erik was leaving out a lot of details it seemed, kissing was one thing but having an actual relationship was another. 

“Ok but when did it become an actual relationship?” W’Kabi asked.

Erik was confused, didn’t kissing count as establishing a relationship? 

“That night.”

“That night it became a relationship?”

“Yeah…”

W’Kabi made a face that read nothing but pure confusion, “So you guys kissed and talked about being in a relationship together?”

Then it was Eriks turn to make a confused face, “What…? Thats so fucking weird.” Erik said and started scratching his ear. “Why would we talk about it?” Erik figured that kissing would be enough so there shouldn’t be any need for a conversation. 

“Because, that’s how people get into relationships N’Jadaka.” W’Kabi said, “They talk about it…” Those words were then followed from a scoff from Erik. 

“I mean, we said that we loved each other..” Erik said with a shrug, “Doesn’t that count?”

W’Kabi shook his head, “Anyone can say ‘I love you’ N’Jadaka.” He shrugs, “I say ‘I love you’ to you.” 

“Yeah” Erik giggles, “But you don’t make out with me.”

“Even if I did you’d probably just assume it was a casual thing.” 

Erik sighs, “We talked about getting matching tattoos on our bodies.” 

W’Kabi nods, Matching tattoos is a little extreme but, “Damn did you?”

Erik shook his head, “No but we like talked about it.” 

W’Kabi chuckled, “Okay...what else?”

Erik shrugged, “There’s nothing else to say except that I loved him, I trusted him, and when I look back at it I realized that he fucking lied to me.”

Erik felt that sting go from his nose to his eyes, he looked away. He hates crying yet he does it so fucking often. He cried this morning when he realized he had no milk for his cereal, he cried when he saw a dead dog lying on the side of the rode, he cried when he realized that the boy he was going to be with forever ran away from him. 

“He fucking manipulated me…”

W’Kabi nodded, “Right.”

“Like the whole thing at the airport...he wanted me to fucking run away with his ass and I tried to tell him that I couldn’t leave my mom, and I was scared and I didn’t have my medicine...it’s really selfish of him and fucked up.”

W’Kabi nodded, he felt sorry for the kid. Then it hits him a little harder that this is a child who is about to become an adult. This child has gone through so much shit before they were even an adult. It’s painful to watch. 

“You know like..for him to just leave me...it turned me…” Erik said, “Like how in life people make all these fucking promises. Like how my mom told me that everything was gonna be ok when my dad was in the hospital...and then T’Challa talking about us living together and sleeping in the same bed, being fucking together forever and then he fucking leaves me….” Erik doesn’t want to cry but what he has to admit might just be his breaking point, “Because he met another boy...one that wasn’t a drug addict, didn’t have any fucking mental illness, one that he didn’t have to worry about overdosing in the bathroom…” he didn’t realize that he was crying until he felt a wetness run down his face. 

“It just...made me think about how people are such fucking liars…” he nods, “It’s not even the fact that it’s a lie it’s just how you’re never emotionally prepared...for someone to leave you…” he sighs. “...kind messed up...and maybe it started this avalanche of shit but maybe I deserve it” Erik quickly wiped his tears and all W’Kabi could do was stare. 

Erik looked away, “Maybe this is the universes punishment for me being a piece of fucking shit my entire life.” 

W’Kain could only sit and listen to Erik talk, it’s what supportive friends do. Although, he did have so much to say he waited til Erik was finished to actually say something. 

“Do you want to get clean?”

Erik took a while to answer, “...No...drugs are probably the only fucking reason I haven’t killed myself.”

W’Kabi scoffed, “So where’d you get the pills from after he left?”

Erik sighed, “I had some stashed away for emergency purposes…” Erik shrugged, “No big deal.”

W’Kabi scoffed, “So you didn’t stand a chance, huh?”

“Nope.” Erik said with a small smile, it’s funny and pitiful both at the same time. 

W’Kabi nodded, “Do you want to get clean?”

“You already asked me that—“

“N’Jadaka, do you wanna get clean?”

Erik shrugged, feeling a little uneasy about W’Kabi using his first name and all. “No.” What was the fucking point? What the hell was the fucking point? He was just gonna get hooked on them again and ruin his relationships and his body. It makes him want to cry. 

“You sure?” W’Kabi asked.

Erik nods, “Yeah…”

“I get it, I get it, I get it…”

“It’s really fucked up.”

“Well...you’re not trying to get clean, yeah it’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, I’m a piece of shit, huh.”

“Yeah of course you’re a piece of shit, piece of shit—whatever, that doesn’t matter. You’re not a druggie because you’re piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit cause you’re a drug addict, you understand me?”

Erik shrugs, “I..um.” 

“Erik, you didn’t come out the womb an evil drug addict piece of shit. You came out a precious little boy, you were your father and mother’s son that was gonna grow up in a happy home despite not having much. You didn’t know you were a little fucked up so when you tried drugs for the first time it set something off in that little fucked up dome of yours. You’ve been fighting a battle that’s not even worth fighting ever since your black ass got high” W’Kabi said. “All this shit happened in the process of you fucking your moms head up all while taking her for granted and you have the nerve to sit here, look me in the eye, and say calm as possible, that you’re gonna keep using drugs.” He added. “Ha..pitiful really. Fucking pitiful.”

“That shit right there is a fucking terrible thing to have, it’s like some fucking disease. It’s incurable, it’s deadly, and it is no different than having fucking cancer.”

That stung like shit for Erik, W’Kabi was right but this right here really hurts. He didn’t mean to be such a piece of shit to the point where the people he loved were yelling at him.

“And all this shit for what? You won’t get clean for what? For some pussy that you can’t have? Some pussy that got away from before you were ready to let it go?” 

Erik was starting to get emotional again, “We didn’t have sex—“

“That’s not my point, my point is that nobody sees this shit as a fucking problem. They see it as a selfish ass bastard problem and see you as some motherfucker that doesn’t give a fuck about themselves so why should anyone else give a fuck about you? Why does this boy deserve my time? If he wants to die, let him.”

Erik was starting to cry again, he deserves it.

“But luckily you aren’t the only fucking person on the planet with this disease. It actually has happened to people such as myself, I actually understand that maybe you aren’t all that bad Erik, Maybe you’re a good fucking kid under all this bullshit...shit, why else would we be eating pancakes on Christmas Eve? Other than the fact that you, Erik, don’t want to clean.”

Erik chuckles and then wipes his face, “Do you have any babies?”

W’Kabi sips his coffee before speaking, “Yeah.” 

“Where are they?”

“Celebrating Christmas with their families.”

Erik Hums, “You see them often?” 

“I don’t ever say no when they want to come see me.” W’Kabi says with a shrug. 

“So like you’ve been clean for what, 30 years or something?”

“No way, I was clean for 8 years. I had 5 years before that but I got cocky and thought nothing could touch me so now I got 7 years.” W’Kabi explained with a shrug.

Erik was impressed, “Holy shit, how did you stay clean for 8 years?”

W’Kabi chuckles, “You forget how bad it really gets huh.”

Erik nodded, “I guess I do.”

“Drugs are addictive man…y’a know…? Gets you hooked and you stay hooked for life until you decide you’ve got a problem that needs to be fixed.”

W’Kabi was making him feel guilty again. There was a time when Erik wanted to get better but after everything that’s happened...it’s like, what’s the point now?

“You understand me? That’s what it takes.”

Erik sighed and nodded. 

“Use your words Daka, let me know you understand me.”

“Yeah...yeah I totally understand. How long did you relapse for?”

“2 years.”

“Well fuck…” Erik said, “ I thought you were gonna say like 30 minutes or something.”

“Nah, you been clean for 8 years that’s when them voices start talking.” 

“What voices?” 

“The addiction.”

It all made sense now, “Oh…” he shrugs and wraps his arms around himself, “I understand that I can’t help myself around drugs and I’m completely helpless when it comes to them but like…” he wipes his nose, “..Y’a know my mom tried to get me to go to church and pray away the addiction.”

“Hm...did it work?”

“No she thinks it’s because that I didn’t believe that I wanted a higher power to restore a sanity within me….I don’t believe in that shit though…” Erik says. 

W’Kabi leans his head back against the seat, “Ha...I think I understand now…”

“Understand what?”

“You, my friend, don’t believe there is a power great on earth other than yourself.”

Erik scoffs, what the fuck was he talking about? “That’s not true, of course I think there is a ton of shit that is greater than me.”

“Okay, name something.”

“What?”

“Name something greater than you.” W’Kabi challenges. 

“....An eighteen wheeler”

“What? You don’t believe me?”

“I didn’t say all that. Name something else.”

“Uhhh The Sun.”

W’Kabi chuckles into his hand and Erik smirks. 

“I mean, what do you want me to say?” He asked throwing his hands up in the air.

“Name something else.”

“14 Big Macs from McDonald’s.”

W’Kabi looks away and waves his hand at Erik, “That doesn’t even make any sense.” 

Erik was grinning now, “Yeah it does.”

“What does?”

Erik thought for a moment, “The impact that McDonald’s has on the world is probably worth more fucking shit that I even—you even, the both of us even, have you know?”

“Alright, whatever. Such a smart ass, that’s not gonna cut it.” W’Kabi says as he relaxed into the seat a little more. 

“W’Kabi, I don’t believe in God.” Erik confessed and W’Kabi shrugs.

“Well rather you believe in them or not, they believe in you.”

“I don’t care.” Erik says with a shrug, “I’m sure that’s nice to think about but I don’t care.”

“Of course you care Erik. If you didn’t you wouldn’t even still be breathing.”

“Say you’re saying the reason my dad fucking died was because he didn’t care?” 

W’Kabi looked at Erik, “Now Erik that’s not what I meant…”

“There is nothing that pisses me the fuck off more than when people say shit like that. Like when niggas die in mass shootings or bombings there is always that one mother fucker that survives and people go…” Erik clenched his teeth and had to take a pause for a little bit. “...and people always fucking say that they survived for some fucking reason. It was God’s plan, I have a purpose.” Erik scoffs at the memory of people saying that on the news after suffering some tragedy and being the only one alive. 

“And to me they’re basically saying that their life is more important than all those little kids in the hood that died that day because of something fucking gang related or from some abusive parent or from some illnes or from whatever shit that happened to them” Erik said. “Their life has some fucking purpose. Right? Well why does their fucking life have a purpose while my fucking dads life doesn’t?”

W’Kabi gulped and listened to the enraged teen speak, he probably shouldn’t have even said what he said a few minutes ago about Erik not thinking there is anything better than him. 

“Because I could say that my dad had a purpose. To be there for my mom and to fucking raise me. Not fucking die on the fucking hospital bed because the bullet went through one of his arteries and when the fucking doctors tried to keep him from bleeding out they fucking couldn’t!” Erik said and slammed both his hands on the table.

“Why couldn’t those fucking doctors save my father W’Kabi!!? Why couldn’t they stop the bleeding??! Did they have a fucking purpose? Did those assholes have a fucking purpose?!! Answer me! Did they have a fucking purpose?”

W’Kabi could see the tears in his eyes and thankfully they were the only ones in this diner or they would have gotten weird stares. He gets up from his side of the booth and sits down on Eriks side and pulls the boy in for a hug. Once Eriks face hit W’Kabi’s shoulder he cried. 

“And…he’s fucking dead…” Erik said, and pulled his face away from W’Kabi’s shoulder.

“Erik I—“

“W’Kabi if you’re about to tell that happened for a reason I will push your ass out this booth and leave you in this fucking diner by yourself” Erik said rubbing his face. 

W’Kabi nods, “I wasn’t gonna say that…”

“He didn't die to teach me shit, he didn’t fucking die to bring my mom and I together as a family, or whatever the fuck niggas like to tell people when they can’t think of shit else to fucking say. He died because he fucking died. Ok?”

W’Kabi had his hand pressed against his mouth as he listened to his friend talk. He felt bad for him and all he could do was give him words.

“I came out my mother’s womb with some fucked up shit already inside me. How fucking lucky did I fucking get.” Erik says sarcastically and then wipes his face.  
“You said it yourself and that’s all it is.”

W’Kabi was quiet for a few moments then he reached for his coffee and sipped it before speaking again. “Listen, I don’t have all the answers and I’m not gonna sit here and act like I do.” He placed his cup down, “This human experience will always remain a mystery to all experiencing it.”

He looked away as he thought about what to say next without pissing Erik off again, “Like...Little W’Kabi running around Watts and didn’t know that his parents were at the house laying dead in the kitchen because of some gang related shit. Why would a child need to see that? Both of his parents with their brains blowed out laying on the kitchen floor, Erik I thought I was dreaming little did I know I was having a fucking nightmare that just happened to be taking place in the real world.” 

Erik nodded and felt bad, “I’m really sorry—“

“This world has no place for soft people so he moves to Brooklyn and becomes a fucking pimp. Becomes addicted to drugs, starts robbing and stealing shit then his stupid ass gets locked up...and then that, is when it finally clicks for him.” W’Kabi chuckles, “All that shit to realize something he could’ve realized before all this.”  
W’Kabi nods, “But no, he thought he knew everything. He thought he was so fucking invincible and that nobody could tell him shit until….he went to jail and that’s what he decided to make a change.” 

Erik starts again, “I didn’t—“

“You do all this shit, these drugs, this fucking addiction that puts people that look like you and I in such a terrible place and when I asked you if you wanted to get clean you say with your whole chest that you don’t want to be clean. The fucked up part about it, is that these white motherfuckers think that we belong there, Erik. They don’t even want us sitting in this fucking diner talking about you being clean from the same drugs they lock people up for.” 

Erik nodded and looked down as he started to feel his eyes sting again. 

“So yeah you can ask why, why is this world such a terrible fucking place for people like you and I ? Why are there still people going through so much because of one selfish bastard? Why do so many people think that this materialistic is a good reason to live? Why the hell are some people so fucking greedy?Why do people get struck down by fucked up cops who think they don’t have anyone to answer to once they take their last breath?” 

Erik sunk in his seat as he listened to W’Kabi speak, he wiped his tears from his face again. 

“Why are so many fucking people your age that are amazing and a lot better than you not sitting here talking to me?” W’Kabi threw his hands up, “Erik, I don’t know. That’s the mystery but you and I are here right now. So what?”

Erik let his head fall back against the seat as he stared up at the ceiling, something he often did, “I don’t know man. I just…” he sniffled, “I don’t know.”

“You do know.” 

Erik looked over at W’Kabi as tears rolled down his face, “W’Kabi, I hear what you’re saying and I totally think it’s great and all and I’m sorry for yelling at you but I just don’t plan on being here that long.” 

W’Kabi was silent for a moment, “What do you mean by that?”

Erik shrugged and sniffled, “I just like...I don’t have anything to really live for you know?” He shrugs, “I mean I don’t really understand why I’m still here if that’s the case but it’s like you said, I guess it’s one of those mysteries.” 

W’Kabi shook his head, “You don’t have shit to live for? Not even your mom?”

The memory of Erik pushing his mother against the wall and threatening to kill her with a knife in his hand after she found his stash comes flooding in. 

“She fucking hates me…”

W’Kabi sat back, again shocked at what he was hearing. 

“N’Jadaka Stevens...” he started, “The boys whos mother spent 34 hours in labor with on the day of 9/11. The woman who was told to hang in there even though she felt like dying...she had one mission though, it was to deliver that damn baby boy named N’Jadaka who had a few wires crossed.” W’Kabi sighed, “She almost died giving birth to you and the doctors thought they were losing you and her but no...like the fighter she is, she pushed through it because she was going to make sure that this baby lived even if he didn’t ask to be here.”

Erik sighed as he listened to W’Kabi, “Whats that suppose to mean?”

“Your mother doesn’t hate you Erik.”

Erik scoffed, “Yes she does.” 

“No she doesn’t.”

“Yes she does.”

“No she doesn’t.”

Erik shook his head, “How do you know?”

“Because she loves you.”

“Ok that’s great, how do you know?” Erik asked. 

“Well after the all the hell she went through trying to have you, she better love you.” He looks down at the plate of food Erik has, “You gonna eat that?”

Erik looked down at the food and then back up at W’Kabi, “No, you want it?”

“No, I’m full actually. Why don’t you eat it?”

“I mean…” he shrugs, “We’re talking I can’t talk with a face full of food. It’s...gross.”

W’Kabi smirked, “Your mother would want you to eat Erik.”

Erik shrugs and picks up the fork and puts a slice of the pancake in his mouth.

He gets memories of being in the hospital and his mother being right there to make sure he didn’t die the next second. He would be in the hospital because of drugs. His little cousin was over one time and Erik was in his room lying on the floor, high, with a vomit on the floor and a trail of it from his mouth down his neck. 

His cousin called the ambulance and they came to get him. It was fucking terrible. Once Erik woke up his mother was sleeping in a chair and he cried silently to himself. He was such a fucking disappointment. While they were in the hospital his mother didn’t let Erik go a second without eating food or drinking water.

A waitress came over and told them that they would be closing in a few minutes and that they needed to either get a box for their meals and leave or just pay and leave. W’Kabi told her to get a box and she went to go do so.

“Now that I think about it maybe she does...like not hate me..”

“Well, there you go.” W’Kabi said, “what made you realize that?”

Erik exhaled, “Because like...when I almost died in the hospital she made sure that like I didn’t die. She would always like make sure I was fed and had water y’a know? Even though I was doing drugs she didn’t…” 

W’Kabi waited for Erik to finish, it was such a hard subject to talk about especially out loud.

“She didn’t say ‘fuck you erik’ and then leave me to rot and pay my own hospital bills…” Erik nodded, “I was just thinking that maybe...she doesn’t hate me as much as I think she does, y’a know?” Erik’s eyes were starting to sting again but he quickly wiped that, he had cried so much tonight and didn’t want to do it again. 

“There you have it.”

The waitress came back with the box and the check and W’Kabi thanked her. Before putting Eriks food in his box he asked, “You ready to go home now?”

Erik looks at W’Kabi again and nods, “Yeah...let’s go.”

After paying the check and boxing his food, Erik and W’Kabi walked out of the diner. Erik got into the passenger side of W’Kabi’s car and W’Kabi got into the drivers seat. 

W’Kabi looked at Erik once more and said, “Don’t be afraid to call me if you need me tomorrow.”

Erik nods with a small smile, “Okay, thank you”

“It’s no problem.”

While W’Kabi drove it began to rain, Erik stared out the window in his own head. Thinking about everything that was just said to him. W’Kabi drove while Erik sat quietly thinking about the one that got away, T’Challa.


End file.
